The hunt has begun

There is something really satisfying about cleaning my car. I am one of those people who will happily spend every Sunday afternoon polishing my car till it shines. Some women are house proud but I am just car proud. The down side is that I have discovered that I have a hole in my shoe after some serious pressure-washing.

I am very fussy about which shoes I buy but this time it is more urgent. My trainers, after three years of every-day wear, have given up the fight for life. After being rebellious and not undoing the laces I have rubbed through the fabric which has caused the hard plastic bit to dig into my heel. As I am a miser at heart, all this means is that I wear thicker socks and some strategically placed elastoplast. This would be no problem but the soles have worn through and the upper bit is starting to detach from the lower bit (hence the hole). In short, the look a bit of a mess. And I have to look good.

I like buying bags and shoes. I can't stop myself from walking into every outdoor shop to look at the outdoor trainers and the rucksacks. I have bags for every occasion; walking, climbing, trekking, running. No handbags or little leather numbers. That is a small lie because I do own a small, dare I say it, smart bag for special occasions. Like weddings.

My cousin is getting married in a few weeks and I have dug out the aforesaid girly bag from the back of my wardrobe. I also tried on my wedding kit (a fabulous Kaliko suit which cost me an effing fortune but it so fantastic that I didn't care). The last time I wore it was at my school graduation and it still fits. It is a little tighter than I'd like but nothing that can't be sorted out with emergency sit-ups. And yes, I shall be wearing the hat.

Is wearing a hat at weddings outdated? I went to a wedding in Toronto and I was the only person wearing one. My hat is not very small (it is a full-on meringue hat) and I stuck out like a sore thumb as the only English person there. People came up to me and said:

"You're English right?"
"Yes"
"Thought so."

My mother and other female members of my family are wandering around muttering "wedding...hat...". Maybe it's a geographical thing. Canadians don't do hats at weddings as far as I can tell. Neither do the Dutch apparently. The etiquette of hats is a nightmare for the uneducated. Fortunately all I need to remember is "keep the hat on until the brides mother takes hers off".

But I am supposed to be an usher. How I am supposed to be an usher with a whopoff millstone of a hat is anyone's guess! Maybe it is not such a good idea. No of course it is a good idea. Be quiet Jane. Ok sorry Jane.

Unclear of my duties (I have never been married myself so I have no real information on the matter) I did a spot of googling and came up with the following....

Best man: Makes sure the groom turns up, is sober and is dressed. Also has rings.
Bridesmaids: Makes sure that the bride is well turned out and does not have the back other dress tucked into her pants.
Usher: Deals with everything inside the church like showing guests to their seats and deals with any emergencies. Expected to have sewing kit and other equipment for when the brides father splits the seat of his trousers five minutes before kick off.

Right. Got it.

The last wedding I actively participated in was for my cousin's first wedding in which the other bridesmaid threw up down the aisle and I started crying (I was five). I promised that I would do neither this time. It should be a giggle anyway. We will look like the beige army but we will wear our hats and look the dogs bollocks. Photos to follow.